The Yankees made a huge signing this week that could be the biggest transaction since acquiring Babe Ruth. To say the past week has been exciting is an understatement. With this transaction the Yankees look as if they are primed for to make another title run all because of this move. On February 19th the Yankees signed Gibe White to a one-year contract extension. The 32-year-old lefty from Sebring, Florida said he was flabbergasted at all the attention his contract was receiving from the press and admitted to the public scrutiny being a little daunting, "I mean yea this is a big deal but for the Red Sox owner John Henry and actor, Ben Affleck to go on national television and admit they have to use Tampons because of my signing with the Yankees is astonishing." Pundits have wondered if the Yankees are indeed an evil empire for signing White but Boss George Steinbrenner only points to the fact that there is no salary cap in baseball. Even if White's contract put the Yankees at 185 million a year, "185 million is nothing," commented Steinbrenner. "After Taxes a small market team could get 185 million from winning the power ball lottery."
In other Yankees news the banner outside the stadium now lists 2004 as another World Championship.
Alex Rodriguez got laid three times after trying on a Yankees uniform Monday
morning. (Just for fun. I mean it’s not like Alex Rodriquez could ever
be a Yankee. This isn't fantasy baseball or anything.). In related news,
the same day A-rod tried on the pinstripes the suicide rate in Boston reached
Swedish proportions.
A female place kicker for Colorado University has claimed she was
raped while playing for the football team. As do five other women
claim they were raped by members of the program. When asked to
comment, Coach Barnett said, while drooling, with his hand in his
own pants, “This girl wasn’t even a good kicker. It
has been a long-standing tradition for the football team to harass
the kicker because they just don't do as much work as everyone
else. It wasn’t because she was a woman. That’s if
it even happened. I wear a sweater vest, how could I be lying?” Barnett
has since been suspended and asked to never speak again.
In all honesty if these allegations are true and I tend to believe they are because these programs are as corrupt as the old Tammany Hall in 19th century New York city, Colorado U should be punished and punished hard and after they have been punished the NCAA should institute a playoff system rather then the top 25 nonsense and thus make me care about any of this.
Arena football has kicked off its season with all the excitement of Mel Gibson
at a Passover Seder. Some teams have won and some teams haven’t but
in the end only the paying customer has lost.
It has been discovered that Gary Sheffield may have used steroids. In similar
news, it was discovered that Gary Sheffield might not have used steroids.
In the end, does it matter anymore? Every hitter uses some sort of supplement
or growth hormone all of which can produce the same effects as steroids.
So baseball should man up and extend the fences in ballparks, actually test
like the NFL does or live with the consequences. No matter what, one must
put an asterisk next to the names of McGuire, Sosa and Bonds because they
accomplished their feats (and I’m not trying to take anything away
from them…besides their accomplishments) using the power of testosterone
boosting supplements. Players like Babe Ruth and Mickey Mantle hit their
home runs hung over with low testosterone levels after a night of making
love to women who wore pointy bras….I’m just saying the undergarments
of the first half the century looked weird.
In Hockey news, two players got in a fight and later admitted it was a lover’s
quarrel over what they would serve at their wedding once they get married in
Massachusetts. Pierre Leflore wanted chicken and Ivan Drago-vonski wanted to
serve fish. Both were sent to the penalty box following the spat but have since
re-consummated their love by agreeing to meet in the middle and serve chicken
of the sea tuna.
In football news, Charlie Garner is free to leave Oakland and Mark Brunell
has signed with the Redskins. Terrell Owens and Jeff Garcia both look to
be gone from San Fransisco and Keyshawn Johnson is still an option for a
few teams. With managing the salary cap (pay attention MLB) the colts might
have to let go of Payton Manning. Right now the Titans are the worst off
at $17.5 million over, then the Dolphins with $10.5 million deficit (not
bad compared to what Bush has done to the national one), the Broncos are
at $5.7 million (or a third of what the Yankees pay A Rod in a season) and
the Steelers are at $4.7 million, (roughly the combined income for all of
Pittsburgh) Followed by the Pat-ophiles at $4.6 million (exactly the amount
of money Tom Brady spends on hair gel and kiddy porn) and the Bucs are at
a measly $2.8 million (roughly what the average batboy makes in a season
for baseball) But all of this will lead to a lot of movement and a lot of
interesting team dynamics for the upcoming season. The 2004 season could
truly answer the question if a big name talent is worth it after the past
three Super Bowl winners (Ravens, Pats, Bucs) have been so team oriented
and now teams are faced with balancing a squad that plays well together or
signing one guy to try win a championship.