The Monkey Goes Where the Wind Blows
COLUMN by Dave Tomar

This week, the Bush administration officially launched its bid for reelection, seizing on the opportunity to introduce an offensive targeting a vulnerable minority group. Standing before the Republican Governors Association of America, the president took a bold stand on the single most menacing issue facing Americans today.

“Right now,” explained the president urgently “hundreds are dying in Iraq. Millions of Americans are jobless. Terrorism continues to threaten America and its allies and friends. I contend that the number one reason for all of these things is fags.” In light of this revelation, the product of an intelligence probe conducted by Washington based think-tank, The Institute for Hygienic Aryan Living, President Bush kicked off his drive to ratify a Constitutional amendment that would define marriage as a union exclusively forged between a man and a woman. Inside sources suggest that the amendment would include a special clause providing allowance for legal marriage between a human male and a woman molded from a polyurethane latex amalgamation such as Laura Bush.

Its primary purpose however, explained President Bush at the Governors’ dinner, “is to protect heterosexuals from the deadly contagion known as homosexuality.” He clarified that the position was not derived from any form of prejudice, indicating that “while I respect individuals of that orientation, I still contend that they are not real people. And if they are real people, they’re faking the whole gay thing just for attention. All I’m saying is that heterosexuality is a choice right now. We would like to make it a law.”

This new initiative was sparked by the recent Civil Rights strides of the last few months, beginning in the Massachusetts State Supreme Court where homosexuals were granted the right to marriage. This was soon followed by a scene of mass same-sex marriages in San Francisco. California Governor Arnold Schwarzeneggar, who has a well-documented history of groping women, engaging in extra-marital affairs and taking part in Austrian-style dungeon-sex orgies, has spoken out against the rogue city, asserting that “this is a terrible trend that undermines the sanctity of a blessed and loving marriage. San Francisco is treading on dangerous waters. Soon, they will learn the true meaning of danger for I am the harbinger of their destruction.” At the same press conference, a reporter asked Schwarzeneggar a question about California’s budget crisis and he responded by biting the pin out of a grenade and tossing it into the audience. He killed seventeen reporters, however, he has been fully ineffective in his attempts to persuade San Francisco’s mayor to halt the weddings.

Bush had also preceded his recent call for the amendment by urging an end to the lawlessness gripping the historically violent city of San Francisco. “We’d send in the National Guard but, as we all agree, the homosexuals are very dangerous. It may be unwise to pit a group of men as under-trained as national guardsmen against a bunch of angry bull-dykes with penile implants and testosterone injections.”

Though it seemed a controversial and somewhat misdirected way to begin a reelection campaign, Bush put it into perspective rather clearly, explaining that “I’m a sloppy-drunk Texan who lacks the general capacity for abstract thought. I have a lot of difficulty explaining my position on complicated stuff like the economy, geo-politics, how a bill becomes a law or how to use a can-opener. If there’s one topic I know top to bottom, it’s picking on homos. We used to beat the piss out of those kids in prep school. Somehow, even then, I knew I’d one day be able to use the Constitution to do the same thing. Seriously. If you ask me why we’ve lost two million jobs in America or what we’re gonna do to get them back, I wouldn’t have a fuck’s clue how to answer you. Ask me anything about picking on homos though. I’m practicably an expert. ”

He backed up this claim by citing a number of reasons why it was necessary for America to act quickly to change the Constitution. Among them, he identified anal sex as a form of biological terrorism. In addition, he explained that “if gay people start getting married, soon they’ll expect us all to start being gay and getting married too. And frankly, I’m already concerned that everybody thinks I’m gay. In fact, deep down, I’m really concerned that I might be gay. I mean, I don’t like having sex with my wife because it’s so cold down there. But what if that’s not the only reason? What if bicycle racing excites me for reasons other than the engrossing competitiveness and athleticism? All I’m saying is, if I make a Constitutional Amendment against these people, my dad will stop calling me nancy.”

The Bush administration is said to be bubbling with enthusiasm over the possibility that they might change the nature of the constitution. Attorney General John Ashcroft spoke about the matter to reporters while simultaneously slicing open his own chest in order to “please my dark overlord.” He explained that “the Constitution has always been the liberals’ bible. We want to replace it with the actual bible. The problem with the Constitution is that it was designed to protect the rights of the people. Finally, we’re going to start using it to strip people of rights. We figure that the less happy specific groups of people are, the easier it will be to govern the country.”

The White House followed up Bush’s announcement regarding the Constitution by declaring a series of aspirations for adapting the sacred document to modern times. Bush explained that “the Constitution has not aged very well. It may have been logical to talk about equal rights and the pursuit of happiness back in the eighteenth century but we’ve come so far since then. We are secure enough as a society to start pointing at particular groups and saying ‘you’re what’s wrong with America.’” In light of this, the Bush administration is quietly preparing plans to champion an amendment that will deny African Americans the right to criminal trial. According to inside sources, “that would be an amendment simply intended to speed up the inevitable.” Other amendments currently on the table are one that would restrict people with glass eyes from procreating and one that seeks to replace the current welfare system with a minimum income requirement for employment eligibility. Explained the president regarding this matter, “We just feel that people with less money are less employable. This will be better for productivity.”

Bush went even further to speculate about future plans for Constitutional transformation, candidly explaining that “I hope we’re not getting too big for our britches here but what I’d really like to do is start changing amendments that already exist. For instance, we could change the first amendment from ‘freedom of speech and stuff’ to a list of words and religions that you can’t say or be. That way, we won’t have to violate the Constitution every time we want to suppress something. We’ll just throw it on the list of exceptions. And also, we could take the one that gives women the right to vote and change it to say that women have the right to go fuck themselves. And we could change the one that grants the right to bear arms to the requirement to bear arms. I know this just sounds reckless. But in fact, it’s also a lot of fun.

And remember, as always, the monkey goes where the wind blows.

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