The Monkey Goes Where the Wind Blows
HUMOR COLUMN by Dave Tomar
This week, the Bush administration gave in to pressure over its lack of cooperation
with the 9/11 Commission, finally agreeing to let National Security Advisor
Condoleeza Rice testify before the committee. Explained White House Press Secretary
Scott McLellan, “We now realize that her position as the top liaison between
the White House and the CIA and FBI may be relevant to an investigation into
intelligence failings prior to September 11th. Sometimes it can be difficult
to sort out the lies from the truth so we usually find it easier not to say
anything. But now it has become clear that we have a responsibility to go out
there and concoct the most plausible lies that we can. We owe it to the American
public.”
In addition to allowing Rice to respond to former counterterrorism czar Richard Clark’s allegations regarding the White House’s inaction prior to 9/11, the White House has also conceded that the president and vice-president can be questioned in a joint, privately held session. President Bush explained the decision during his weekly radio address on Sunday, explaining that “I like to appear at congressional hearings wearing nothing but ladies underwear so I think it would be embarrassing both to my family and to Americans in general if the testimony was aired publicly. And as far as testifying with Cheney, I think everybody will agree that it’s just easier to keep our stories straight if we do it together. Otherwise, he’ll go in there and start telling them some shit about how September 11th was a complete shock and that we couldn’t have prevented it and I might go out there and accidentally say something like, not only did we know it was coming but we did everything in our power to keep the plans on track. Or like, he might go out there and say something like, Osama bin Laden and Saddam Hussein are wicked, criminal masterminds and I might accidentally go out there and something to the effect of, ‘in the 1980’s, me, Cheney, Osama and Saddam used to get together on weekends and play soggy muffin.’ And if I said that, I also might accidentally tell you that I was always the one who ended up eating the muffin. So to protect the administration from the embarrassment of telling lies that are inconsistent with the truth, Dick and I will be speaking together. The public shouldn’t take it too badly though. There are still plenty of opportunities for our story to jive with Condi’s and Colin’s. I think we can pretty safely assume though, that all the jive is coming from their side of the blacktop, if you know what I mean.”
The testimonies to be given by these high-ranking White House officials represent just the latest in a long line of concessions that the Bush administration has been forced to make, dating back to its initial resistance to the creation of the September 11th commission. Bush commented on his recent cooperation in the same address, explaining that “originally, we felt that an investigation would be pretty pointless. I mean, we all saw what happened. Some airplanes hit some buildings. The buildings fell down. What’s the fucking mystery? We were really just trying to protect the taxpayer from the typical Democratic overspending that plagued our nation in the reckless, budget balancing days of Bill Clinton. After some careful thought and several months of standstill during which we did everything we could to cover up our own tracks, we decided that there should be a September 11th investigative committee. Otherwise, it might’ve looked like we were trying to hide something.”
Traditionally a very secretive administration, on account of its many criminal wrongdoings and its outright mismanagement of the nation, the Bush administration has taken on a new strategy in the face of the upcoming election and a heaping share of criticism being brandished by Democratic challenger John Kerry. “From now on,” explained Scott McClellan during a Thursday press conference, “we will no longer deny things. Instead, we’ll admit to them and remind the American public that there isn’t a goddamn thing they can do about it.”
President Bush put that campaign strategy into action last week during a fundraising dinner at the Texas Institute for Lynching, Pillaging and Raping Lands. He showed the captive audience his humorous side, poking fun at some of the lighter points of his administration such as a war that has killed 600 Americans and his evasion of duties in the Texas Air National Guard. The president kept the attendees in stitches for over an hour, drawing inspiration from his Jeff Foxworthy CDs and “Hee-Haw” rerun tapes as he rapped with them about important social issues.
“So I was watching CNN the other day,” the president said, opening up his monologue. “And there was some footage of me talking about how the Iraqis possessed weapons of mass destruction and how Saddam Hussein was the next Hitler. And I was watching this and saying to myself, ‘This guy is full of shit.’” The audience was delighted by the president’s send-up of himself.
The president deftly employed comedy to touch on all points of his administration so far, at one point tossing out a well-received rhetorical riddle, asking “What’s the difference between the September 11th terrorist attacks and giant, dead armadillo?” After a couple seconds of dramatic pause, and with impeccable comic timing the president exclaimed, “I ain’t never made billions of dollars off no big dead armadillo.” The audience rolled in the aisles.
On the economy, the president seemed to really hit his stride, at one point noting that “Poor people are like used tissues. They’re covered in bacteria and there aren’t any jobs that they’re qualified to do. That’s why I only cut taxes for the wealthy. Otherwise, I’d have to spend all of that money on job creation. Now, if we were actually allowed to use poor people to blow our noses on, we could create jobs for everybody. But these people and their fancy civil rights…now there are no jobs for which they’re qualified and I’ve already grown too accustomed to blowing my nose on reams of silk.”
From here, the president segued expertly into the topic of Civil Rights and “this new trend of gayness that seems to be so popular with the kids. I say, if they want to get married, we should let them. And I say, if they want to be in the military, we should let them. I mean, after all, what’s the worst they could do? Bust into our houses and start redecorating? Or like they’re going to make us all convert to homosexuality? I mean seriously, what’re they going to do, get married so they can infiltrate family organizations like the Catholic Church, which has been blissfully free of gayness for 80 million years?... I’m kidding. Of course they would do all of these things. They’re gay.” The president was rewarded for his risqué humor with hysterics.
But nothing earned him more laughs than his closer, which hearkened back to the great prop comics like Carrot Top and Rosie O’Donnell (who routinely uses props, like fat and mannishness, to win laughter). Bringing his routine full circle, he returned to the topic of the Iraq war to clinch it. He called a surprise guest from the audience, Mrs. Johnson, the mother of American staff-sergeant Scott Johnson, who’d been missing in action since June of last year and is presumed dead. She came to the dais nervously and President Bush told her with a smirk on his face, “Mrs. Johnson, I have some fantastic news for you. We’ve found your son and he’s here tonight.” The audience applauded vigorously while Mrs. Johnson gushed tears of joy.
“Would you like to see your son, Mrs. Johnson?” the president asked mischievously. Overcome with emotion, she only nodded a vehement ‘yes’ in response.
The president then presented a manila envelope from behind his back and said “Here he is Mrs. Johnson. We found this part of him under a camel. Welcome home Scott.”
He handed her the envelope. Seeing that she’d been had, Mrs. Johnson joined the audience and most Americans in a hearty chuckle.
And remember, as always, the monkey goes where the wind blows.