The Monkey Goes Where the Wind Blows
HUMOR COLUMN by Dave Tomar

This week, the Bush administration passed one of the most trying tests of its tenure, engaging in two intense competitions without committing a single act of murder or brutal humiliation. In a debate on Tuesday night, Vice President Dick Cheney emerged from the sewer through a particularly wide and well-lubricated manhole to appear on stage with North Carolina Senator John Edwards. The two slugged it out on both foreign and domestic policy, with Dick Cheney taking a familiar role as the horrible ogre beset upon the world as a punishment for its sins. Accordingly, he abided a strategy of making people feel bad about themselves and was, therein, extremely effective. Democratic running-mate John Edwards was both eloquent and acerbic, displaying a similar folksiness to Bush's but without the alco-neuro-impairment slur or constant, accidental references to "Hee-Haw". In addition, his flesh-toned appearance contrasted sharply with the shades of death which veiled Cheney's features. The vice-president, though, turned his charm meter up to ten, curling the corner of his upper-lip brazenly like Elvis Presley would have if he had lived to be 80 and instead of taking lots of pills, killed lots of foreigners.

"Fox News" analyst, Guy Hooraypsboise complimented the vice president's performance, explaining that "for a man whose blood was long ago siphoned out to make room for a less fuel efficient concoction of Valvoline and Pam Spray, I think Dick Cheney was very vibrant out there. He may not be mobile, but he says it all with his mouth. It shows you the full range of his emotions; angry, enraged, mad, bitter and thirsty for the effluvium of the infidels." Indeed, this was a debate far more evenly matched than the first exchange between President Bush and Senator Kerry. At no point during their exchange did the vice president resort to deeply southern aphorisms that haven't been used outside an animal branding facility in 100 years. Instead, Cheney appealed to his strengths as a fear-monger, hunching over so far that television cameras captured the cybernetic battery port in the back of his skull and snarling prophecies of certain doom under a Kerry administration. He repeatedly charged that, by bringing an element of human error to the office of the vice president, Edwards would endanger the safety of Americans. Criticizing his poor voting attendance record as a Senator, Cheney scored his most "you're no Jack Kennedy"-esque line when he informed the world that this was the first time he'd ever met John Edwards. Like every other major victory during the Bush administration's tenure, this one was rebuffed the next day by incontrovertible evidence. In this case, it was a video that depicted the senator seated directly to the right of Cheney at a prayer breakfast. A spokesman for Cheney was quick to note after the video surfaced that Cheney is "categorically incapable of using peripheral vision or turning his neck or performing any number of normal life functions while he is focused on gorging."

Edwards, for his part, was successful in presenting himself as a savvy and issue-oriented vice presidential candidate, allaying fears that his inexperience would make him a liability to the campaign. His performance on Tuesday laid to rest heretofore steadfast notions that a vice presidential resume must include drunk driving, pillaging, corporate malfeasance, strategic involvement in multiple military fiascos, an unhinging lower jaw for easier ingestion of large game and more than ten years experience as a legal counselor for Satan. In the debate's aftermath, the vice president and Senator Edwards had been credited for equally admirable performances, with Edwards reassuring his base of his qualifications and Dick Cheney adding new fortitude to his support amongst registered voters who beat their own mothers. Though the outcome of this debate is unlikely to have a big impact on the polls, it did provide voters with some insight into the ways in which a Kerry-Edwards administration would be less depressing to look at.

The Friday night rematch between President Bush and John Kerry was also a far more evenly split one than their first meeting, with Senator Kerry obliterating Bush and the president easily handling moderator Charlie Gibson. President Bush took on the aggressive approach that some critics asserted had been lacking in last week's confrontation, this time expanding his arsenal of words to nearly 40. Some of them included 'determined,' 'strong,' 'action,' 'the Brits,' 'nuculer,' 'dubya-em-dees,' 'uhhhhh,' 'der,' 'heravidge,' and 'God.'

The debate was held in a Town Hall meeting format which provided for an interesting range of questions from undecided voters. One of the most revealing moments occurred when a questioner asked the president to identify three mistakes he'd made over the course of his four years as president. The president was unusually forthcoming, chastising himself for "being so godammned perfect. It's a real burden to go through life experiencing such unmitigated success in everything I've ever done. Being the president is just like school, the National Guard, my stewardship of a failed oil company, my exploitation of a baseball team, my budget-dismantling shift as Texas governor, not being an alcoholic and obeying the laws of God and nature. If it looks like something's gone wrong, it's only because you don't get it. I mean, if I made such a mistake in going into Iraq, then how do you explain all the dead Iraqis? Sounds like progress to me. And as far as homeland security goes, we've already spent billions of dollars and we're prepared to spend billions more. That sounds about right to me. So with regard to your question about mistakes, I would say that my biggest one so far has been agreeing to this whole election thing. I hate anything that involves counting." Though confident in his own performance, the president complimented his opponent afterwards, observing that "it's so hard to interrogate somebody when they're not naked and there are no dogs sniffing around their dangly parts."

Kerry helped himself again in this debate, speaking concisely and authoritatively on his healthcare, tax and Iraq policies. He appeared strident and controlled the general pace and direction of this meeting as well. Though the president was not as evidently inebriated during this showdown, he was clearly on the defensive throughout, which made him sad and cranky. His two strongest moments were the second time he attempted to pronounce Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi's name and got it mostly right and when he candidly asked the audience if they "wanted some wood." The latter comment, one of the few ad-libbed portions of his debate, was a pointed rebuttal against Kerry's claim that Bush had declared an $84 lumber investment as a small business for tax purposes. Though this later turned out to be accurate, Kerry was justifiably unable to respond to Bush's offer with anything other than, "huh huh. He said wood."

With one more debate on the horizon and the margin between the two candidates at a statistical empty set, both are buckling down for the final showdown this Wednesday. According to a close campaign advisor who demanded anonymity, "President Bush is excited about this last debate. He sees it as an opportunity to show the American people that he's not just about drooling and speaking poorly. With clearer articulation, he hopes that on Wednesday he can show that beneath all of these unrefined edges is a policy and ideology which is fundamentally retarded as well."

Nader Watch: This week, Reform Party candidate Ralph Nader spoke of his own performance in the two presidential debates held thus far. He explained from his niece's tree-house, which became campaign headquarters when the bank foreclosed on his storage garage, that he was pleased with his own showing against major party opponents John Kerry and George W. Bush. He recalled that "I think I was really strong in the first debate. There was one part when Kerry said something I disagreed with and I yelled 'that's bullshit' at the TV. In my closing statement, I threw a porcelain ashtray at the screen and broke the television. This really pissed off Billy Baldwin, who had been letting me sleep on his couch. Not having a television for the second debate definitely had a negative impact on my performance. I just had to act the whole thing out by myself with some potatoes standing in as my opponents. I'll admit, though I did pretty well, the Bush potato had a few good points and I think, ultimately came out on top."

And remember, as always, the monkey goes where the wind blows.

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