You will have to forgive me, my three loyal readers (Mom, can you
send me the dates we may be going to visit Grandma in Florida again?
Thanks.) because I have not been as up to date on football as I would
like to be. This makes my NFL preview as insightful as George Bush
speaking on how to use a spoon to epileptic, blind children from impoverished
neighborhoods that have no school systems.
And if you are wondering why I have not been able to keep up with
my usual hectic schedule of sitting at home on Sunday inhaling fat
and watching football it is because I had a mandatory Beethoven concert
to attend, for a class, last Sunday. During the Giants vs. Jets game
no less. And during the week I have been busy battling an ear infection
and reading my favorite professional wrestler, Stone Cold Steve Austin's
autobiography. With that said I present my fast food version of my
usual five star NFL preview.
Baltimore at St. Louis
Hey, ESPN has a game I care about! Baltimore is fun to watch because
of their great defense and St. Louis has a great offense that is back
on track. This game is like a two-sided coin. And in this case you
can tell the difference between heads and tails, as opposed to the
old coins the NFL used, which Referees apparently couldn't figure
out. Baltimore in 2000 had perhaps the best defense ever. And 3/4th's
of the league has tried to copy their blue print for success since.
The Rams represent a west coast offense to a Tory Holt. In 1999 they
had the best offense ever and, with a few pieces still in place, they
have some juice. However, Jamal Lewis of the Ravens is running the
ball like a California wildfire, with no hope of putting him out.
But call this one for the home team because I have to pick offense
over defense in a dome.
PREDICTION: Rams 21- Ravens 14
Minnesota at San Diego
Speaking of the indoor, so I'm at the mall on Halloween and I realize
something kind of depressing. Parents actually bring their kids to
Trick and Treat at malls now rather then risk getting a Rohypnol-laced
Heath bar from an old English guy who is trying to bone their daughter.
What may be more pathetic than an indoor Halloween was I couldn’t,
for the life of me, figure out what they sell at Wicks and Sticks.
I never even liked football in domed stadiums but to have Halloween
indoors is just sad.
Now, despite this scary trend in Halloween safety, I may have to side
with these precautionary parents. I live in an old age home. It's
called the Tivoli Garden apartments and on the sign as you enter it
says "A quieter way of living." I chose this peaceful suburban
life over the harsh streets of downtown Tivoli, NY because I didn't
want to have to deal with rigors of parking, break-ins and living
around seedy bars. But, this past Halloween, some lousy punks spray
painted over the blue sign with a flower on it that greets me when
I pull into the apartment complex.
The world is going to hell.
PREDICTION: Vikings alot- The Chargers are not en fuego, even though
San Diego is.
Cleavageland at Kansas City
Goddamn, Kansas City is good! I call the Browns “Cleaveageland”
because their boob of a running back, William Green, was arrested
for driving under the influence of alcohol and marijuana possession.
Now I may be alienating 1.5 of the 3 people who read my column (I
should have known something was up when my 56-year-old mother was
going to a Reggae concert) but I think weed, pot and the Ganja are
stupid. Not to come off on a never high horse but I’d rather
just take a long run. Because that's what 5'8 return man Dante Hall
will be doing against Cleveland every time he returns a ninety-eight-yard
kick-off for a touchdown. Who says short guys can't take over the
world? Yeah, I know...everyone.
PREDICTION: Kansas City 28- Cleavageland 13
Houston at Cincinnati
Cincinnati is the team of the new millennium. No really, I swear.
They don't even need Corey Dillon to have a good game either. Rudi
Johnson has started in place of an injured Dillon and through week
eight had 65 rushing attempts for 226 yards, which is a shade better
then Dillon, at 203 yards. What is more impressive about Johnson is
he doesn't yell at coaches or complain a lot. Then again, Dillon has
been a Bengal his whole career, so can you blame him? Bottom line
is this should be a close game between two anemic teams. Think of
it as homeless people fighting each other.
PREDICTION: Bengals 18- Houston 17
Tampa Bay at Carolina
Revenge is a bitch.
PREDICTION: Tampa 16- Carolina 10
Tampa Bay at Carolina, the sequel preview
Okay, we all knew I could never be so concise. So Carolina is number
one in the south (NFC south that is. Robert E. Lee, the Chinese Civil
War general, will always be number one in the south.) And Tampa, the
defending champs, are number two. Carolina beat Tampa in week two
by blocking a kick and then hitting a field goal in overtime to win.
This did not make Warren Sapp happy. The last time people started
to question Tampa they beat Dallas 16 to nothing so I got to figure
Tampa is fixing to bust out a whooping stick despite Carolina having
such a great year.
PREDICTION: Tampa 16- Carolina 10
Buffalo at Dallas
Remember when I predicted Buffalo would become one of the two best
teams in the NFL this season? Yeah, me neither.
As for the Cowboys, SCORE ONE FOR MR. GREENFIELD because Bill Parcells
is your god and mine.
PREDICTION: Dallas 13- Buffalo 6
(Author’s note: For those wondering, Mr. Greenfield was the
Boss in Debbie does Dallas.)
N.Y. Jets at Oakland
Finally! A game the Jets can win.
PREDICTION: Jets 42- Oakland 29