The Monkey Goes Where the Wind Blows
HUMOR COLUMN by Dave Tomar

This week, with the campaign behind him, President Bush ordered an intensification of the war in Iraq, which ended in the spring of 2003. Unencumbered by the need to present himself as a compassionate conservative, the president oversaw a massive assault on the insurgent stronghold of Fallujah, which military experts have described as a trouble spot "due to the large population of Iraqis living there." Bush explained the tactic of dismantling the operational capacity of this city, indicating that "we spent a lot of time focusing on the rebuilding phase in Iraq for the last year. And we've done such a great job of it that now, there's hardly anything left to rebuild at all. I mean, the ancient backwards city of Baghdad is practically a modern day Wichita now. Anyway, the point of going to Iraq was for reconstruction. So if we want to build more stuff, we have to blow more stuff up."

Among the things blown up in the weeklong operation over Fallujah were 31 American soldiers, as of Sunday. President Bush remarked optimistically that "31 is nothing. I starve more Americans a week right here at home." Bush's optimism is also being reflected on the ground in Iraq, where Brigadier General Randy Balls projected that "we have now taken roughly 90 percent of the city. The United States and Iraqi Security Forces are in absolute control of Fallujah's deserted streets, rubble gardens and corpse piles. This is a strategic gain in the war on terror, as a concentrated mass of insurgents are now spread out in all regions gravitating within a 120 mile radius of the city. We have finally narrowed down the location of the terrorist uprisings in Iraq to not-Fallujah. You have to admit, that sounds way better than saying that the terrorist threat is in Fallujah."

There are other indications of the success being yielded by the blitzkrieg on the insurgent community of Fallujah, given the codename Operation Phantom Fury by military strategists because 'we all thought that name was fucking awesome.' Most notably, U.S. forces have succeeded in blockading aid workers from entering into the city with food, blankets and medication, with central headquarters in Baghdad taking the stance that "we gave all 'non-militia' Arabs the heads up that we were coming by administering heavy airstrikes for the last two weeks. As anybody who survived the first wave of Shock and Awe can tell you, having your house blown up is always a good sign that bad shit is about to go down. So anyway, anybody who decided to stick around to see what comes after two weeks of being exploded from above probably deserves whatever's coming. Well, we can't be arming these people with blankets, which as you know can be used to smother at close range, and as for food, well, you know, nothing is more dangerous than an undercooked chicken. And seeing as how these hostile folks have been living without electricity for so long, we'd just as soon not take the risk. So the fact that we were able to prevent non-combative convoys of humanitarian supplies from entering the city must be seen as a sign that things are on their way."

Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld, who masturbates with a knife, also echoed this positive sentiment, commenting in a typically frank manner during a Friday press conference that "we're making a kind of progress in Iraq. It's a progress with a decidedly downward locomotion of momentum and yet. . .we are taking the fight to the enemy. We're leaving our dead in the streets of their terrorist safe havens and that cannot be pleasant. I am prepared to clog their sewers with the heads of American children if I have to."

Rumsfeld went further to indicate that "the other day, I walked into the Oval Office and I smacked the president in the face like a bitch. And after some discussion, we agreed that it would be best if I took a more active role in the administration again. So starting now, you're going to be seeing a lot of me. It'll be like 2002 all over again, before my presence became toxic to the purposes of re-election. Well anyway, with the whole 'democracy' thing behind us, I think the country is ready for my refreshing candor once again. For some insight, here are some things I think about when I'm at home, not watching Triumph of the Will and burning myself; if we conquered Syria and Iran, we could strap numbered pinnies on five different breeds of Gulf State Arab and race them in between rounds at the rodeo; With a shortage of manpower in Iraq and the upcoming pullout of the all-important Polish contingent of the coalition, it might be a good time to start thinking about letting gays into the military. At least when they start sexually abusing Iraqi POWs, we won't all pretend to be so shocked; oh, ok, here's one. I've been thinking a lot about the situation in North Korea and I've had a breakthrough. It turns out-and I've been there a few times now on business with China, our friend in freedom-and it turns out that the people in both South Korea and North Korea look pretty much exactly alike. Same slanty eyes and small statures. Same jaundice and angry gibberish language. And it came to me. Screw that peninsula. Let's just forget about it. There are way better peninsulas out there. Take Florida, for example. That peninsula has just as many nukes but instead of being under the command of a madman, they are in the authority of Jeb Bush. That is peace of mind that money can't buy."

In spite of the likely re-emergence of a high-profile Donald Rumsfeld, another high-ranking member of the Bush administration may not enjoy such visibility in the second term, as Vice President Dick Cheney was hospitalized this weekend, complaining of shortness of breath. The vice president, who once was shot in the neck when a poacher mistook him for a herd of grazing water buffaloes, underwent observation on Saturday for what his doctor characterized as "a segment of a human femur lodged in his lower esophageal region. It is not uncommon for the aging male ogre to suffer a diminished ability to internally pulverize bones. Dick Cheney is 63 in human years. He just needs to chew better or cook bodies longer and he'll be just fine." Despite this optimistic outlook, the vice president has sustained four heart-attacks and six demonic possessions since 1988. This most recent bout with health concerns brings to bear questions about his suitability for an office of such high stress. His doctor commented that "while this was a minor concern which was dealt with in a timely fashion, it will be advisable that the vice president spend less time covering up malfeasance and misleading criminal investigations as these have both been substantially contributory to his hypertension.

Weekly Therapy: Also this week, tragedy struck as President Bush dismounted from Air Force One in Washington, D.C. As he descended from the stairs of the airplane, he became confused and disoriented by the glowing runway traffic control cones that blinked in the distance. Appearing bewildered and clutching the crotch area of his pants, which was clearly wet from terror induced incontinence, the president sought shelter from the blinking lights by diving head first over the rail of the steps. He dropped like a bowling ball, thirty feet to the tarmac below. He was killed on impact and the angle at which he landed forced his skull to breach the skin and his spinal column to shatter, reducing his body to a bubbling mass of organic matter which, for formality's sake, was identified by its wallet.

And remember, as always, the monkey goes where the wind blows.

| © 2004 The Outside World | website managed by // Chris Pummer |