WEEK 12
Yea maybe I come off a little angry in this preview. So what? You
got a problem with that? You lookin at me?
Its cold out and the sun, not that it has been out, only has like a six- hour window to appear. Of course for me it’s more like a two- hour window because I wake up at 3pm. But the real tragedy of everything is that I have been sick for two solid weeks and I’m not even supposed to be here today.
Jacksonville at NY Jets
I hate it when I'm in a cab and the driver gets more calls on his cell phone then I do. Whether they are talking to family back home in Tikrit or plotting the next wave of attacks, these cab drivers are on the phone more then a telemarketer.
But you know what really annoys me about cell phones? Those Nextel commercials with Dennis Franz. Who cares if these phones can act as a walkie-talkie; you’re already on a cell phone. We aren't eight years old anymore and it looks stupid when people can't put the phone all the way up to their ear. Its as if they are so special because they talk with their phones 4 inches away from their face. "Oh look at me walking down the street holding my cell phone like it’s a pizza four inches away from my face. Do you hear these annoying beeps? That means I’m using my cell phone like a walkie-talkie, I must be special" PUT THE GOD DAMN PHONE TO YOUR EAR. Can you hear me now?
Oh Yea regardless if the Jets win or lose some idiot will say Herman Edwards job is on the hot seat. NO.
The Jets front office is as lazy as myself and it is their fault
for giving Herm nothing to work with.
PREDICTION: Jets 30- Jacksonville 27
Carolina at Dallas
Bill Parcels not winning is like Tom Sizemore not acting in a war movie. It just doesn't make sense. But both these teams are unexpectedly hot, like when two ugly parents have a good-looking child.
But Carolina has a capable QB and a running back that they can rely on with a solid defense to back all this up. Dallas has, not only a solid but also an extremely fast defense, with three great wide receivers but their backfield is out of place next to the rest of the team. Kind of like Michael Imperioli, of the Sopranos, doing that new Eddie Griffin movie, My Babies Daddy.
PREDICTION: Carolina 14- Dallas 10
NY Giants at Tampa
We might as well rename it Tampon Bay because blood will be flowing
out of Coach Gruden if the Bucs can't get back on their cycle of destroying
opponents. Maybe they became complacent after winning a Super Bowl
but it shouldn't matter because Vodka Collins and Tiki Barber of the
NY Giants are the two worst best players at their position. Both put
up great numbers but absolutely suck when it matters. If you want
to talk about menstruation, these two players fumble more in the redone
then an unsuspecting first date thinking that piece of string was
part of an undergarment. Okay this is getting gross. Call it Tampa
call it closes.
PREDICTION: Tampa 21- Giants 17
Seattle at Baltimore
Ray Lewis may have killed someone in 1999 but now he is the most marketed NFL star. How is that for up-word social mobility? NFL players are not allowed to take their helmets off during games which makes it hard to become a mmarketable face but Lewis has appeared as the main commercial endorser of Madden and NFL equipment. Of coarse Ray Lewis backs this up as the greatest line backer ever. He has twice the interceptions of LT all ready and is on pace to break LT'S numbers for tackles. And we can assume he does less coke then LT. But is it wrong to let this man become so rich when he may have murdered someone? The answer is yes.
As for another celebrity criminal, Kobe Bryant needs to stop taking so many shots on a bad leg and just admit Shaq is his daddy. As much as I don't really love Kobe as a basketball player Kobe the man is innocent. First of all it should become a law that if a man or woman comes over to your hotel room after midnight; sex is not only implied it’s expected. This is what hotels are for. No one wants to have sex in his or her houses anymore when you can have someone clean the bed for you the next morning. This vixen also had sex with three guys three nights in a row leading up to Kobe. Now don’t think I’m insensitive to these types of matters but I truly feel the evidence is over whelming in favor of legally calling this girl a hussy.
This girl is from bumble shuck Colorado, she nastied three guys, three nights in a row, do you really think she would turn down Kobe F'n Bryant? She was the one who insisted she bring up his room service by the way and did I mention she had sex with three guys three nights in a row? Who should be on trial here?
PREDICTION: Baltimore 18- Seattle 13
Cincinnati at San Diego
I told you Doug Flutie was nasty and no one listens to me. This guy could have been another version of Michael Vick but everyone was prejudice against his height. Man the world isn't fair.
And I know this because I deliver pizzas. Sometimes I have to deliver Pizzas to trailer parks in such ostentatious and illustrious places as Germantown, NY. Lets just say MTV Cribs won’t be doing any German Town editions. Last time I went I got lost because there are no numbers on trailers and I ended up talking to a guy with one arm and warts coming out the back of his neck for a few minutes. He was a nice guy and pointed me to his neighbor Earl's trailer.
When I rode up to Earl's trailer I remarked to myself, how if Earl sold all four of his Chevy pick up trucks and two ATV's he could probably live in a real house. I walked up to the door after tripping on a hub cab and said I had a bacon and Pineapple pizza. "I'll fucking kill you" is all I heard from inside so I started to walk back to my car thinking about how much safer I feel in places like Harlem. The door then opened and Earl told me to get back there and asked me if I had kids. I told him I didn't and he told me He has a 33-year-old kid who just wet himself. I looked inside and saw a frown faced thirty-three year old man staring down at his pants in awe.
The ironic thing about all of this: when I had to deliver later that night to a mansion in Rhinebeck NY, after parking my car by the gate and then walking about 200 yards to the double glass doors, I got a one dollar tip. Earl and his brother who peed himself gave me six dollars.
PREDICTION: Cincy 28- San Diego 21 and one day myself, Earl and his brother who peed himself will join forces to fight rich people who hold their Nextel phones four inches away from their face.