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HUMOR COLUMN by Charley Daniels

Pay attention because I have a very important point to make. Very important. Life changing. But before I am able to fully make that point, I have to give you a little background about my mind and the memory it contains. This is only a slight detour and will make my point that much more relevant, which is pretty significant when you consider the value that this particular point will have in your lives. It is definitely worth the extra reading. Here's the background:

My memory would be considered one of the Great Wonders of the World if I would take the time to fill out the proper paperwork and get on the waiting list. It is really a shame that this brain of mine has to exist in a world where it is lost in a sea of other amazing things-where people are so indifferent to the pomp of something magical every day that they never recognize how amazing my brain is. Amazingly bad, I mean. People forget crap all of the time; that's nothing special. My forgetfulness is on another level. An embarrassing level. See, I forget ordinary things-birthdays, names, commitments-but I also forget extraordinary things that you may not even realize can be forgotten. It is that bad.

My lack of memory retention will play a very important role in the point that I want to make with this article, but I'm not sure you understand how awful my memory really is. So instead of going right on to my point, I think you need an example of my bad memory. Trust me, it's worth it.

Have you ever forgotten a preference? I have. Sometimes I actually forget what I like. You might be thinking, "What an interesting problem." Sure, but that charm wears thin when it comes time to order a meal at a restaurant. And forget about food conversations. Those never work. I might say, "Whoever came up with sushi must have been functioning on his last pitiful brain cell; I mean, combining all of the grossest ingredients into one vomit-inducing, palm-sized, bait-bucket smelling heap is the single most disturbingly inexplicable achievement in culinary history."

To which my conversation partner invariably replies, "You said that you love sushi." And I cannot disagree because I probably did say that and now I've said the opposite-not the best play for continuity's sake. I can't very well go back on what I've just said, especially since I made the statement with such enthusiasm, but I also can't ignore what my conversation partner has pointed out as an obvious flaw in my argumentation. Social crisis awarded, it is about this time in the process that I forget what to do next, though I ought to know by now since this scenario is becoming very common in my memory-poor existence.

But the main thing that you need to know about my memory (before I take you on the wild ride that is the reason you need this background information) is that my inability to remember things automatically invalidates my opinion among my friends. Now that they have begun to realize the severity of my forgetfulness, they take full advantage of it. My bad memory is the counter-argument to any point that I want to make. If I begin to win a disagreement, my opponent (if he or she is at all worthwhile as a debater) will always come back with, "Not that you'd remember anyway." Though seemingly a cheap play, that is usually a valid counterpoint when we are arguing about something that took place in the past and so requires remembering. Unfortunately, these types of arguments occur more frequently than those of the future-tense type because my friends and I are not very ambitious.

Having said all of that about my memory, you also need to know (in the interest of my making a point later in this article) that at least I don't have the type of mind that replaces lost memories with memories that don't exist. Mine works simply-I just don't remember. But I have known more than one person whose idea of a situation changes so dramatically with each re-telling that it is a completely different story by the eighth or ninth go. You've known people like that, haven't you? Which do you prefer, a person who changes his opinion about sushi, or a person who redefines sushi? That choice seems fairly clear.

So now that you know what you need to know about me, I'll get on with it. Um, this is really important. Pay close attention. So, did you know that … uh … I wanted to tell you … Ah, hell. What was I going to say? Something about dinosaurs? No. I think it rhymed with "nomenclature." Or "pseudonym." Crap. Never mind.

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