Melania Knauss for President
Opinion
Every so often in American politics, a politician comes along to voice perfectly the concerns, fears, hopes, and dreams of the American people. This politician appears to have been sent by a higher power at just the right time, to cure our nation's ills. Franklin Roosevelt. John Kennedy. Abraham Lincoln.
Who is our next political prophet? Well, we don't know, but we're reasonably sure it is not anyone from the Reform Party. The presumptive nominee of the Reform Party, Pat Buchanan, used to defend Hitler and Nazis whenever anyone brought up World War II. That was creepy enough. Now, however, it appears to be the main purpose of his campaign! He issued a statement defending the new far-right Austrian government--not in response to a reporter's question, but seemingly at random! We don't feel that any candidate who vows to "assassinate Churchill" should be our president.
What's really scary is that we had to consider Buchanan, since the other candidates were almost as terrible. According to EVERY SINGLE economist (people who couldn't even agree on whether the Fed should raise interest rates 1/16 of a percent), Donald Trump's plan to eliminate the national debt would result in a total economic meltdown. The Trump plan calls for those making over ten million dollars per year to pay a one-time 14.25% tax. Besides the obvious problem (namely that this leaves us well short of the money he claims it'd raise, $5.6 trillion), we at The Outside World figure the rich might not be so inclined to pay the tax.
TRUMP: On April 15, we plan on taking 14.25% of your money.
RICH PEOPLE: Hey, look! There's Canada!
CANADA: Welcome! Would you like a tax break?
So who is Melania Knauss? Melania Knauss is Donald Trump's really hot ex-girlfriend. It is the unanimous opinion of the editorial board here at The Outside World that "we wouldn't kick her out of bed." She appeared on the presidential seal, and looked a lot more presidential than Steve Forbes.
These were our choices. No one else is running. Well, a lot of wackos are, who have pet issues like ridding the world of the letter P, or the elimination of certain hats, but these people have no chance, and we like the letter P. Ross Perot is just not tall enough to be president. And Jesse Ventura, clearly not understanding the term "15 minutes of fame," has decided to finish out his term as Governor of Minnesota before running for president.
We heartily endorse Melania Knauss, because we believe that in a party with no soul, what's on the outside is the only thing that matters.