Before leaving Bard for winter break, I promised a friend of mine that I would e-mail her. I was fully prepared to honor my promise sometime in mid-January as I logged onto the Bard website. Because I had somehow forgotten my beloved's last name, I headed straight for the 'E-mail Lookup'. I was fairly certain that I would be able to simply enter her first name, click on search, and then narrow the field down from that point. Everything was going according to plan when I was suddenly faced with a rather interesting problem.

There are 33 Sarahs at Bard.

I scrolled down the page dumbfounded.

Trying to find my Sarah was like looking for a Sarah in a Sarah-stack. Initially I thought that if I saw my specific Sarah's full name it would register in my subconscious. I went up and down for a few minutes before finally giving up.

Immediately after giving up, I realized that I wasn't even sure if the Sarah I was looking for spelled her name the same way I had always thought of it. I searched again, this time for 'Sara'. There were 13 new matches.

There are 46 Sarahs at Bard.

Plus or minus the 'h'.

This means that people named Sarah account for just over 3% of the total enrollment at my small college of 1400. More importantly, after controlling for girls—one assumes there aren't too many male Sarahs—one finds that Sarahs now account for a whopping 6.5% of the female population.

The implications of these studies are staggering.

According to this research, if I were to hypothetically approach 20 girls at a party—again I take a moment to stress that I am speaking hypothetically—the odds are that at least one of them will be named Sarah. This statistical slant could easily be incorporated by numerous single men like myself into generic carefree banter that would, on miraculous occasion, undoubtedly impress countless Sarahs. For example:

"Do you believe in love at first sight, Sarah, or do I have to walk by again?"

Or, if our gentleman is more of a conversationalist, he might attempt:

"Hi Sarah, how are you?"

"Sarah? How did you know my name?"

"You gave it to me in my dream last night—don't you remember?"

Another captivating idea concerns Sarahs and housing.

Consider a themed dorm where all the residents are named Sarah. There are certainly enough Sarahs to fill half of Cruger, if not at least two of the late Ravines. Here's an excerpt:

SARAH: "Sarah, where's Sarah?"

SARAH: "I think she might be in the shower, why?"

SARAH: "Sarah, have you seen Sarah? Her pizza's here."

SARAH: "No, but I think Sarah and Sarah saw Sarah upstairs."

PIZZA GUY: "You've got to be f--king kidding."

Finally, my fascination with the unusually high concentration of Sarahs goes well beyond the realm of drunken pick-up lines and housing, and straight into the workplace. My workplace.

Admissions.

Speaking on behalf of the admissions office, and probably the majority of Bard students, I'm delighted to say Bard has large amounts of diversity among its students with respect to their studies, their ethnicities, and most importantly, their sense of fashion.

However, in looking at these findings, it appears that we are not very diverse in one particular area—the names of our female applicants. One can only wonder how many more Sarahs will be allowed to slip through. One must also wonder how many flocks of Sarahs must have been denied admission to Bard College simply because they would have exceeded the pre-determined Sarah quota. While I'm not in admissions right now to look up the exact numbers, I feel quite safe in guessing that we have at least three times as many Sarahs than both Pacific Islanders and Native Americans combined. For a college that prides itself on its diversity, it would be very interesting to consider how some of the questions on the Bard application might change in the weeks following the publication of any Sarah-Study. The remodeled application might contain questions like this one:

How do you identify yourself?

[] White

[] Black

[] Named Sarah

I'm sure that the coming semesters will see the Sarahs band together to plan their themed housing as well as demand representation on the admissions queries, right between Pacific Islander and Native American. Shortly afterward, they will most likely begin a club to stress the individuality of each and every Sarah.

I hope this happens.

I might find out which one I was supposed to e-mail.