Britney is hot.

Helen Hunt is hot, too, and when Tom Hanks finally made it back to her in "Cast Away" my heart melted for the poor guy when he discovered that Helen was boinkin' the dentist. That was sad. I don't mind the dentist so much, but I hate doctors. Ever since I was a little kid, I have never had any problem going to the dentist, but hospitals have always scared me. I drank a lot of soda as a child, which might account for my continued visits to the dentist. Plus my dentist was hot. As it is, I think I have about seven cavities.

Girls confuse me.

They say that they want one thing, when really all they want is someone who is muscular. I've put on 30 pounds since I left high school. Most of it is probably Corona, although a small portion is probably pizza. I made three New Year's resolutions this year. The first was to exercise more. I've done that. The second was to not drink so much. I've done that, too. The third was to find a girlfriend.

"Spaceballs" is a really funny movie.

Rick Moranis is a scream throughout, but so is the guy that played Colonel Sandurz. My favorite line occurs when Mega-Maid begins to put the air back onto planet Druidia and Colonel Sandurz says, "She's gone from suck to blow!"

I never get any mail in my mailbox.

Sometimes, I think that I could make myself valentines and then send them to myself, but I'm usually too afraid that the ladies in the post office will catch on. The post office ladies have always been very nice to me, and have never gone postal while I've been around. Sometimes when I check my mail I discover that I have a big package.

Astrology fascinates me.

When I have free time, which isn't too often, I go online and study astrology. I know all about fire signs and water signs and earth signs and air signs and speed limit signs and stop signs. No means no. Britney was born on the 20th of December, I think, and that makes her a Sagittarius. Sagittarians tend to have big personalities. Britney's 'personalities' are pretty big, I've decided. I'm a Scorpio myself. This means that my best matches are Cancer and Pisces and Britney.

I am convinced that some people just don't understand how the world works.

Yesterday I watched someone try to swipe their ATM card five times at the grocery store. I don't know how many different ways there are to swipe a card, but I think it's fewer than five. Why do people say ATM machine? The 'M' stands for Machine. Automated Teller Machine. People that say ATM machine are really saying Automated Teller Machine Machine. That doesn't make any sense.

I just stopped my article because I had to go the bathroom.

I went number one. I hate going to the bathroom in Cruger because all the doors squeak. So do the toilet paper rolls. So, inevitably, when I do go number two, after doing any amount of kingly business on the throne, I have to hear "SQUEAK SQUEAK SQUEAK." And then everyone within a five mile radius also learns that I have successfully 'put the landing gear down'.

A few days ago I decided that I would start growing a beard.

I wonder if anyone will notice.

Natalie Merchant just came onto my MP3 player.

She's had a lot of great songs. She's really pretty too, although she has been getting a bit husky over that last few years. If your daughter goes to UCONN and is on the cheering team, would you tell people that she is a Husky Cheerleader? Would they understand? I won a basketball pool the year that UCONN beat Duke for the national championship. That was a great evening. I made $78. I danced all around the living room. I do that when I throw parties at my house.

I'm usually drunk then.

Britney has nice legs, too.