This week, American military officials rebut public claims that extensive air-strikes over Afghanistan have greatly diminished the number of relevant targets, thus making any further airborne acts of war senseless. Military intelligence has suggested that clever Taliban warriors are likely hiding in the vast and barren wastelands of the Afghani countryside. "That is why," Armed Forces General Richard Myers explained, "we must continue to drop two million dollar explosives on strategically designated roving llama herds." In light of this initiative, an assemblage of nearly thirty implicated llamas, three of which were identified by U.S. sources as high ranking members of the Taliban regime, were cited and eliminated in the interests of international security this past Friday. The specific attack was incited by the head llama's evident refusal to turn over terrorist mastermind Osama bin Laden (or Usama bin Laden as he's known to friends and wives.) Staying consistent with his previous refusal to negotiate, President George W. Bush immediately called for the decimation of any and all non-cooperative livestock on the Afghani mainland. Acknowledging the possiblity that innocent Afghani lives, particularly those of non-affiliated llamas, may have been peripheral casualties to pervasive American strikes, Bush conjectured that "While we do think the loss of innocent lives is funny, there are no specific plans to produce a network series on the topic yet. However, we have not ruled out any possibilities in these most uncertain times."

In other war news, while gracious British support in the name of Operation Enduring Freedom has done much to warm Anglo-American relations, an overwhelming majority of Americans still think that Benny Hill isn't funny, British spelling of words like "colour", "olde" and "crabbes" are the result of a national illiteracy problem and that the Spice Girls were, in fact, immaculately trained, highly sophisticated double agents in her majesty's service. Baby Spice, known predominantly to Americans by her immensely popular alter-ego, Judge Judy, upheld the long-standing ruse, stating in a recent interview, "Help me please. I need money for food." This positive attitude that many have come to identify with the Spice Girls illustrates their uncanny ability, even in times of great adversity, to make us all laugh again.

Also making headlines this week are some of the more entertaining aspects of the struggle in Afghanistan. As events as varied as the 53rd Annual Primetime Emmy Awards and the Maury Povich hosted 3rd Annual Ramadan and the Five Pillars Comedy Spectacular are downplayed in the media to comparatively dense war coverage, Operation Enduring Freedom has become the elite gala fiesta this year. m has become the elite gala fiesta this year. nplayed in m has become the elite gala fiesta this year. nplayed in the media to comparatively denmm ham has becmid massive mid massive mid massive mid massimid massive the elite gala fiesta this year. mid massive the elite gala fiesta this year. nplamid massive the elite gala fiesta this year. nplayed in the media to comparatively dense war coverage, Operation Enduring Freedo

On the other end of the spectrum, Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld proves true the old adage that "Old people dress the way that blind monkeys f--k." Namely, his ensemble generally sports a chaotic and confused approach that elicits cringing and guided optical aversion from horrified onlookers. His selection of press-conference ties, predictable at best, recall less a powerful military headmaster than a cubicle-bound grandparent suffering the last shred of cognizance allowed by impending senility. A tip to the secretary: paisley died with disco but was not as sorely missed as KC and the Sunshine Band.

Making a surprising appearance on our list this year is Iranian humorist and avid philatelist Yasir Arafat. The elder statesman of fashion flops, Arafat makes a remarkably positive showing this year. Recently having been assessed the medical condition of being "scared s--tless", Arafat no longer appears to be cramped by the adult diapers that have become his affectionately regarded trademark. Cool and breezy in a head-wrap from the Erykah Badu collection, Yasir is equal parts George Clooney and the raving derelict that harasses passersby for "spare deviled eggs" at Penn Station.

Not so successful this year is our own President Bush, who is several cardigans past official cracker status. Aside from the lanky Texan's now infamous accidental appearane in a sequined Ralph Lauren evening gown, he has failed outright to make a notable fashion splash. Bland double-breasted numbers may catch the hearts of Americans, but all this critic caught was death by boredom. Some suggestions: Teal Old Navy zipper vest, spandex and low-riding hip-hugger jeans that accentuate the president's well-regarded and unanimously sexy torso.

And at the risk of inspiring fear in millions of Americans (even though only four of them actually read this column), a great plague is upon us. We explore the details of this epidemic which has ravaged the American population and disabled over 18 billion people in this country alone in this week's Anthrax Alert!!!!!! section.

At the top, I would like to respond to a bit of fan mail that I recently received, in which a concerned reader suggested a factual error in last week's column. Said reader indicated that, in spite of my insistence to the contrary, anthrax is not a highly contagious virus and that any assertion otherwise would be an irresponsible and alarmist claim, inciting fear in the already nerve-jangled citizens.

While I thank you for your interest in the truth, I can only advise that you continue your research until you come across some facts that are true. To save you and other affected readers some trouble, I've done some reconnaissance myself and I've come across some facts about the illness that I will impart in a piece entitled Anthrax: The Deadly Killer.

Anthrax is, in fact, a highly contagious virus that can enter the body through any number of means that cannot possibly be monitored by even the most advanced technology. Anthrax infests our air, food, drinking water and all antibiotics geared toward the combat of anthrax. Likewise, anthrax spores that are likely already incubating in your body can be activated by reacting with the presence of household items ranging from aspirin and dust to telephone use and exposure to indoor light. Other confirmed causes of anthrax are sunlight, rain and television programming that mentions, refers to or depicts the anthrax virus. An AMA representative who chose not to be identified by name cautiously counseled Americans to "Be afraid. Be very afraid. The Day of Reckoning is upon us." And while I have no specific scientific evidence to purport these facts, there is no scientific evidence that God exists, but everybody still knows that atheists and single mothers are going to Hell.

In other anthrax news, state officials in North Carolina have opted to change the name of Anthrax Avenue to the more pleasant Typhoid Boulevard. While the change met with some protest, given that Anthrax Avenue is in no way a boulevard, a majority of Mueller, North Carolina residents supported the update. City Planner Ken Folscomb chalked the need for change up to poor foresight. "We never thought the name would develop such a negative association," he explained. In a similar move, the nearby daycare center, "Academics, Apples and Anthrax Child Care Facilities" are considering a socially conscious change to the more amenable "Learning, Lollipops and Lupus Child Care Facilities."

And for those of us who roam the barren, disease stricken American countryside searching for a lingering sign of human life, fear not. There is asylum. Hold your cyanide pill close to your heart and remember the ten reasons why it's good to be alive this week. On the down side, due to a limitation in space, there are only five reasons that it's good to be alive this week. If these don't cover it, we suggest excessive drug use. (The Outside World does not endorse the use of illegal drugs)

5. With some diligent research, you may be able to locate rare, B-rate films from the '70s and '80s in which soon-to-be famous actresses were not yet too respectable to bear their breasts on celluloid. Some highlights in the catalogue are Sandra Bullock in My Wet T-Shirt Keeps Falling Off, Julia Roberts in Racks A-plenty and Marlon Brando in The Thing That Ate Madrid. Also of great note is a film that is only legal in some of the deregulated outlying regions of Malaysia in which Sicily Tyson's mammaries are on display nearly throughout, entitled Sicily Tyson's Boobs.

4. Jeffery Malan, a member of Long Island, New York's Bakery Delivery Drivers Local 802 found a human toe in a bottle of Dr. Pepper. That accounts for at least one less toe that Dr. Pepper drinkers have to worry about. Longtime Dr. Pepper bottler, Angus "Two-Toed" Larum theorized that "the other seven will turn up eventually."

3. Two panda bears, Glub Glub and Sony, living in captivity a Richmond, Virginia zoo, still refuse to mate. But their passionate foreplay has brought hours of entertainment and joy to a small and disturbed, but dedicated group of regular zoo patrons.

2. Due to a vast increase in Afghanistan's opium production, heroin imports are expected to increase tenfold this coming year, further permitting the likelihood that the surviving half of the legendary rock duo, Milli Vanilli, will succumb to a drug overdose.

And the number one reason that it's good to be alive this week:

In light of recent terrorist threats, President Bush has reacted swiftly, placing a number of laws into action that will enable government officials to pursue potential terrorists free of the petty abatements provided by the Constitution. New laws will allow authorities to enter your home unprovoked, in the name of your own personal protection. As such, you may be delighted to find the president enjoying coffee and a Danish in your kitchen on any given morning, should you be considered a threat to national security.

And always remember, the monkey goes where the wind blows.